


Healing

by nelayn



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 19:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nelayn/pseuds/nelayn
Summary: A very early and unpolished work- this is a try at feeling the gap of Celebrian’s journey to Valinor, her healing process and her meetings with people who love her though she did not know them before. Very mild mentions of implied past trauma.





	1. Finding healing

She does not remember much about the journey. She knows that Cirdan’s people looked after her. She remembers being cold. And empty. She remembers the pain.

She remembers how her mother stood on the side of the water, tall and beautiful, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her father had stayed behind, and her children had not come.It was better that way.

Her father’s grief was too great, but he had let her go. She had tried to comfort her sons, and her daughter, and tell them how proud she was of them. They did not need the pain of having to watch her leave the land that had been her only home, forever.

She had said her last farewells in her home, in Rivendell and Lorien under the trees that were so beautiful, still… But beauty wasn’t enough anymore. 

She also remembers Elrond’s face. How he tried to be strong for her, and hold back the tears. How her heart bled for him, and for herself, and for their family. How she held his hands tight, and kissed them, and promised him, in a breaking voice, that they would see each other again.

He had already lost so much. If anything could make her stay, it was the thought of him being alone. But it wasn’t enough. And she knew that he would never forgive himself if she suffered for him. And as much as she would want to stay, she could not do that to him, or to herself. So she kissed him one last time through the tears, and she walked away.

Her mother did not often speak of Valinor. But she still she remembered the stories of her mother’s home, from when she was a child. The air was different there, Galadriel had said. The land was not burdened with as much pain as Middle Earth, riddled with ages of war in the darkness and under the sun. Celebrian thought her mother was exaggerating, back then. But now she could feel it. The veil lifted, and the air was suddenly lighter. It could not fill her emptiness, but it was as if a part of her burden was lifted from her chest. Maybe there was indeed hope of healing for her here. 

A Telerin elf was there to help her down from the ship, to a beach of white pebbles. There were figures there, and she knew enough to know they were not elves. Irmo’s Maiar, she supposed. They led her to Nienna’s gardens. She was numb, and didn’t desire speech. But they knew, because they left her alone. Her heart ached, and she missed her parents, and her children, and Elrond, and the land where she was born. There was beauty here, but a quiet sort of beauty. It reminded her of Lorien in winter. It was fitting. There was grief here, too, and at last she felt herself cry. She had not been able to cry before.For hours, days, weeks, she weeped for all she had lost.

When the tears ended, the pain lulled. It was not gone, but she found she could start to bear it, now. Someone came and gave her some work for her hands. Rope, she realised. They gave her rope to weave.The work was good for her. She went through the repetitive motions without thinking, without stopping. At some point the numbness of her heart was replaced by the numbness in her fingers, but she knew not when. She began to feel a desire for life again, though life was still an abstract notion. She found the need for food and drink, again.She walked around the gardens, and marveled at their beauty, and at the song that echoed the grief that was also in her heart.

She was wondering in the woods, one day, when she stumbled on another lonely figure. She was beautiful, and glorious, and for some reason, she reminded Celebrian of her mother. But their was a great grief upon her also, and Celebrian suddenly knew who she was.

If Melian the Maia was surprised to see her there, she did not show it. She came to her, and took both her hands, and look deep into her eyes.

“Oh my child" 

Celebrian felt the pain well up again, and she struggled to hold the tears. Melian took her into her arms, and held her. For a long time they remained there, in silence. Words were not necessary. The songs that filled the gardens spoke enough. Celebrian knew Melian’s story, and her pain, and she weeped for her, too. Was not her daughter thought to be Luthien’s likeness walking again in Middle Earth?

There was pain, and grief, in Arda Marred, much greater than hers, she remembered now. It was the first time that she could see her pain as something smaller than her, something that she could overcome. 

She stayed with Melian, for a time. They walked together, and sat in Nienna’s circle of students, and there Celebrian started to learn how to bear her pain, endure it, and at last, how to shed it from her, like a second skin.She felt the broken pieces of her soul mend, and her dark memories came not so often in her dreams, the pain was no longer raw and bleeding but rather a dull ache she could , with enough effort,withstand. 

It would never go away, as Nienna’s grief for all of Arda Marred would never stop. But in this grief, there was also joy in the things that were still beautiful and unmarred, and the love that endured beyond all destruction.

"You are ready to walk among the elves again”. Melian told her at last.

“I would not mind staying here. It is a beautiful place, and I feel it is good for me to be here. I could aid the Maiar with their work ” she replied. She did not wish to leave yet. It was easier to be here, where all understood her grief, where she could remember her children and her husband in peace. She was not healed, not yet.

“Your intentions are admirable, my child, and they do you much honour. But you do not belong here, daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn. Your place is among your people. In time, those you love will come back to you, and they will need you too.”

Celebrian could not deny the truth of her words. There was no more healing to be found for her here. But she felt her inquisitive nature wake, and there were so many things she wanted to know.

“Why did you help me?” she asked.

“Your mother had many questions too, my child. But she was much worse at holding them back, than you are. It must be your father’s influence.”

Celebrian felt a blush coming up her cheeks, and something that resembled a smile. Melian smiled at her, a full, radiant smile, so much like her mother’s.

“ I know both you parents too well, and loved them too much, not to wish to help you find yourself again, my child. You are so alike them both, in so many ways. Strong, fair, wise, and compassionate. Stronger than many, who could not have overcome what you have, who would have let it consume them and faded away. Your parents must be very proud of you, and so am I. Was I not Queen of the Sindar, and are you not one of my husbands kin?

Celebrian could not speak.

"It is time, my dear. I will remain here, and you can come back and meet me as often as you like, and we shall talk about things that are yet beautiful in Middle Earth, and in Valinor. But now you must join your kin again. I have sent messages. Someone will come to look for you soon.”

“But where am I to go? I do not know anyone .”

“You may not know them yet, but they are your blood, and your kin, and you share much more than you realize. They love you, though they do not yet know you.”

“It is among the Teleri of Alqualonde you can continue to heal. You need not tell them who you are, not until you are ready. But you will find that you have a place among your mother’s kin, and that there is enough strength left in you to walk among the elves again, Celebrian, beautiful daughter of beautiful parents, mother of beautiful children.”


	2. Finding hope again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you can find yourself among people who love you even though they've never met you.

They led her to the Queen’s home, in Alqualonde. From the quiet conversations of her escorts on the way she discovered Earwen split her time between the palace in Tirion and Alqualonde, but stayed mostly among the Teleri. They did not ask her questions, but left her alone with her thoughts. They had not been told who she was, she realised. It was a relief, in a way. She was not ready to be her mother’s daughter for all the world to see. Not yet. 

She was introduced as one of the Sindar, recently arrived from beyond the sea, who had spent a time healing in Nienna’s gardens from great grief. It was not exactly a lie.

She was to be one of the ladies of Earwen’s household.

The first time she saw her grandmother she was struck by the resemblence. She always thought of her mother as a Noldo, but now she realised how much of her Telerin mother was in her. Her regal bearing, her posture, her lithe body,her keen eyes… She could see them again before her and it made her heart ache. If the Queen did not believe her story, she did not show it, but rather welcomed her graciously into her home and greeted her with great kindness. Celebrian thought for a moment she was going to crumble beneath the gaze of those piercing eyes, kind as the sea herself, but having spent much time under her own mother’s persistent stare she managed to hold herself. 

She was given work to do, weaving and mending clothes and fishing nets. Learning a new skill kept her mind occupied and her hands busy. The women sat together, working, and the Queen often joined them. There was much joyous laughter, and singing, and conversation in that lilted tongue she remembered from the lullabies her mother used to sing. It reminded her of Imladris, but still her heart was lifted. 

She did not join in the singing or in the conversation, rather preferring to observe in silence. If her companions thought it odd, they never said anything. Only once, when the conversation was turned to their Noldorin kin and their pride in their own works with playful scorn, did she blush and almost opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it. She looked away for a moment, embarassed at her own reaction, and when she trurned her eyes back to her work she found the Queen’s gentle eyes on her. 

She had spent nearly a month in Alqualonde, walking alone along the shore in the evenings gazing at the wide sea, when upon returning to her chambers she found the Queen in the garden singing a song that seemed to come back to her from the depths of time, from when she was a small child and she had not a care in the world, when her mother and father could shield her from everything. Her mother sang it, she remembered, when she thought she was alone. It was not a happy song. The words had meant nothing to her then, but she could feel them now, now that she too was a mother with her children far away across a great sea. 

She felt Earwen come to her, and holding her into her arms, and she did not hold the tears back.

“My child” her grandmother murmured. “My silver, beautiful child”

They sat there for a long time. 

“You knew?" 

"How could I not, my love? You have your mother’s eyes. Surely, you do not expect me to have forgotten my own daughters eyes? And you have her pride, too. And her heart. My fire-tempered Noldorin daughter…”

They were both crying, now. Celebrian knew that the other woman, who had seen all the ages of the world and lost all her children to a war that started with the ruin of her home, could understand her pain more than any other. She no longer felt alone, here across the wide sea. 

The first time she met him, her uncle, Findarato Ingoldo, Finrod Felagund of whom the stories spoke of old, she felt as if one of the tales Elrond was telling her children by the fire was come to life. She had heard of the reborn, but here was one whose legend still walked in Middle Earth, though his spirit was here, alive. How would her mother rejoice to know this!

He greeted her politely, and seemed, she thought, to be studying her with great curiosity. 

“Seldom do we see one of Elu Thingol’s kin on these shores, my lady” he greeted her again in her father’s tongue, and she was pleased. She looked up at him, and the sight of her face made him stumble. It was as if he recognized her, but knew not whence. 

“Have we met before, my lady? In Beleriand the fair?” he asked, unsure.

“Nay, my lord. But you knew my father, once.” she replied, and waited. 

With those words, something was unlocked in his mind, and their kinship was revealed to him beyond all doubt. 

“And your mother. I knew your mother also, Celebrian daughter of Galadriel”.

Long they walked together along the streets of Alqualonde, and its shores, and he was keen to know all that she could tell him of Middle Earth.She found she did not mind his questions. She needed to share the stories of her home, to talk of the beauty of Middle Earth and of its great struggle.He was radiant, and gracious and kind, and full of joy to meet her. His presence eased her mind and lifted her heart. Long they talked together, of Men, and Elves, of Celembrimbor, of Ereinion, of Imladris and Lorien, of her parents and her husband and her children. He bore the news silently, though they grieved him. She did not ask questions of her own. She knew the past must yet bring him great grief. 

Her uncle urged her to visit Tirion whenever she felt ready, but it was in Alqualonde that she met Arafinwe, High King of the Noldor. Much she had heard of him, but he was greater and more fair than all the tales could tell. It was his kindness, however, that surprised her most. He welcomed her as he would his daughter, and held her in his gentle embrace, and looked deep into her eyes, right into her heart. She felt kindness in him, and peace, and beauty, but there was also enduring grief and the radiance of power simmering beneath the surface. She could recognise it, for she had been in the presence of two Rings of power. But this was power of a different kind. 

She enjoyed her grandfather’s company , because he let her borrow his strength, and he did not talk much. But now and then he offered stories of her mother, as a child, and it was him that made her laugh for the first time. He let her ask him all her questions, about life in Valinor, and Tirion, and the laws that governed the return of the Elves from Middle Earth, and next to him she felt like a child again, loved and protected. 

Slowly, by the days and months and years she found she was returning to life. For Melian had been right. Her place was among her people, and there was joy again in learning and teaching and finding new work. And at last, she found hope again stirring in her, for herself and those she loved. She had found love, and healing in the blessed shores of Aman, but her heart still lay in Middle Earth, across the great sea, where Elrond the Half-Elven dwelled with her children, and where the leaves of Lothlorien were still gold. 

All she could do now, was hope, and await their return, though she knew in her heart there were many deeds yet to be done, and choices to be made, before any of her loved ones would come to her at last.


End file.
